dancing_minerva

I can't stop thinking about my business stuff. Research. Article ideas. Website. Networking. Business cards.

Oh, wait, that's right, I'm supposed to be WORKING. You know, at my regular job. Oi.

Not a fan.

The people C and I are living with are easy enough to get along with, but completely lack common sense, household courtesy, or the ability to think ahead whatsoever. We can have a fun conversation and get along, but when it comes to keeping up after themselves, they are both just ridiculously childish and stupid.There are so many examples - they just boggle my brains. Since misery loves company and I'm complaining, I'll share some of them. Here are a few recent ones:

( Ranty McRant Rant )( Read more... )
We won't be renewing the lease with them next year.

I think it's a good sign when your happy place is snuggling in your warm bed against your loving partner. Home is wherever he is.

I always look forward to bed time.

Things just continue to get better between us. We are closer than ever. The nagging doubt itching in the bad of my overly analytical brain has become quieter with each passing month. The sureness that I am feeling now is a relief. I catch myself bragging about how wonderful he is - in the thoughtful, appreciative kind of way instead of the puppy-love kind of way.

I love you, C.

( Complaining )

EDIT: I realized that I'm a jackass and have a sense of entitlement to success that I wasn't previously aware of. Hurrah for self-enlightenment and big props to C who has been patient and supportive of me.

I haven't posted in a whole week? That's unusual.

Don't worry, I've been keeping busy. I took a course on Friday for small business entreprenuers and really, really enjoyed it! I like that the prof was an actual small business owner with lots of practical experience. I shouldn't have bothered buying the textbook - the classroom discussion and questions answered were well worth the course price. I'm going to a few more in December, since they land on a Saturday. I enjoyed meeting others in the same mindset and discovered that I'm quite a bit more organized and driven than I thought. I really, really miss the classroom thing. I can't wait to do this more often.

I've been doing some research into publications that I might subscribe to in order to keep on top of trends,innovations and current events in the communications world. I also researched some businesses and non-profits that I would like to approach with proposals for partnerships.

I've also firmly decided that although I write here, I need to start up a professional blog and write some articles. I have some ideas surrounding the communication needs of Generation Y. Coming from a Gen Y perspective, I think that's more valuable than some Boomer assuming a few major points and being called an expert.

I discovered that other businesses offering similar services in my city are pretty lame. Terrible, boring websites galore. I would never use those folks, so points for me! Every time I think I'm in over my head, I read an awful website and feel better about my venture. I have a little faith. :) I set up my domain, website and hosting yesterday.

And I say, w00t.

I can still feel it buzzing.
This year of change
and forward motion
still pushes me
over the learning curves
and up
through the valleys of doubt.

I knew it in January
when it all came together.

And now
I could almost burst
with the tangy sweetness of success
roiling in my senses.

Oh, I can taste it.

You Are a Laid Back Wedding

For you, love is uncomplicated and simple. When you love someone, your feelings toward them are pure... you love deeply. To be unloved wouldn't change you much, you truly love with no expectations in return. Romantic love is the ultimate expression of the love you have for other people. It's like your regular love, except a lot stronger. When you find your soulmate, you love that person as is. You firmly believe that love isn't about trying to change people.

Hey, you know what sucks about the flu? Pretty much everything.

I'm at work, but I'd really like to be back in bed right now. Another 3.5 hours to go....

6 months ago...

Me: "I just hope I can find a decent dress for a good price"
C: "Oh, whatever, I know you. You will find some designer dress and have it made for you for $150 or something insane like that."
Me: "Ha! Well, I hope so!"
C: "I have faith. You will."

Now...

I received my wedding dress by courier on Friday. Made to my measurements. A designer style from 2008. Bought from Ebay, made in China. Just as it appeared in the picture, great fabric. Total price? $130.00


He really does know me. And I might be a little bit pleased with myself as well. :)
( Click for pic! )

Ok, I'm totally getting a kick out of this.

http://shine.yahoo.com/astrology/chinese/ox/yearly-overview/

Appropriative? Yes. Still interesting? Yes. Everything about this page has been true for me this year. :P

Everything seems to make sense again. Remember that list of "wish I could do" items a while back? I'm finding that many of them fit into this business and I'm going for it.

Having the experience of working that thankless, frustrating, low paying deli job gave me excellent perspective. I now know that it's not for me. I also now realize how much time I really did have before having that job. So, lesson learned. I'm grateful for the experience and even the small paycheques. Very motivating to never put myself in that situation again.

I've started with the business development stuff, but I'm also applying to be a professional mentor volunteer with a local immigrant women's association. My job would be to work one-on-one with an immigrant woman to help her learn about the Canadian workplace culture and guide her through finding employment. Not only have I always wanted to do this, but it actually builds on my business - my primary target market will be immigrant entrepreneurs. I do something I want to do, someone else benefits, and I also benefit in more than one way! So cool! It will also give me a more grassroots perspective of how immigrants feel on a more personal level, what motivates them, what processes hold them back. I will consider all of these things in my business plan and work to reduce that stress. It's funny how even my for-proft business venture ends up being sort of humanitarian in nature.

Do you ever have those moments where you make a decision and you find your self thinking, "Duh, why didn't I think of this before?" I'm having lots of those moments right now.

2009 has been a strange and wonderful year for synergy. According to Chinese Astrology, it is the Year of the Ox . I'm an Ox by that calendar. It's my year. :)

So, after several hard days this week and a few near-breakdowns, fear of burn out and general self-loathing... I'm quitting the deli job tonight. Fuck it. I got "hired" in July, just started actually working 2 weeks ago. On top of the other stuff they screwed up, they even sent my last 2 paycheques to the wrong location. It's starting to interfere with my career, my sleep, my relationship, my family time. So now, I'm paid and I'm quitting tonight.

I've been considering starting up my own consulting business, doing proposal writing, editing and print design for a while now. I'm going for it. Time to write a business plan. Vision. Mission. Post ads, shake hands, etc. It's something I know I can do. I have some research and some string-pulling to do, but I'm going to just DO IT.

I talked to C on the phone today as he left school to ask for his opinions. We hashed out the pros and cons. He's totally behind me and he believes in me. He is actually GLAD I'm quitting.

Yeah, it will be a few more months before I will probably get any type of extra income. But then I'll have all that time to research and get myself out there. This isn't going to be just a side job, this is in my 10 year plan, so I may as well get started now. I want to continue to work in non-profit, but I plan to have my own business on the side to financially support myself even if the non-profit work doesn't pay well. It makes sense, right?

Damn 'The Man'. I'm working for myself. I'll make it work.

I'd really love to just crawl into bed right now and not come out for a few days.

I've discovered recently that when you're tired enough, everything becomes an emotional response. I'm forgetting things that are pretty simple and remembering things that are more complex. I'm easily disappointed with myself right now.

Anxious guilty sad angry exhausted. Fuck it, money DOES buy happiness.

Ok, so I've been mulling this one over and I don't know enough about the broader gender issues because of my cisgendered privilege... I'm working on it... Can anyone provide recommended links? I feel like this is a dumb and easily answered question, but I'm so completely confused at this point.

Situation: Transwoman enters store, appears cismale, requests a woman's changeroom, transwoman is refused and given access to men's changeroom. Confusion and hurt feeling ensue.

From a cisgendered woman's perspective observing this (ie mistrusting a man in a woman's changeroom) who doesn't know how the transperson identifies hirself -and isn't exactly going to ask, because asking something that personal is not acceptable- what is the right thing to do? This is completely a basic binary gender role issue, I'm pretty sure...

If you are transwoman and appear male, how do you deal with fear from cisgendered women? How do you expect/wish cisgendered women to act around you? Is it an expected thing?

I feel like this is a convoluted set of questions, but let me know if you've got any direction.

**Let me clarify that I'm trying to figure out my own behaviour and what would be safest for me to do in this situation. In that sense, I'm actually looking at the intersectionality between transphobia and sexism - and how that applies to my own (selfish) experience.

I want to share this with every man I care about. And maybe every man, ever.

Some of my favourite snippets:

I've been cat-called and cow-called from moving vehicles countless times, subjected to other forms of street harassment and sexually harassed at work, always by men. I have been sexually assaulted – if one includes rape, attempted rape, unsolicited touching of breasts, buttocks and/or genitals, nonconsensual frottage on public transportation and flashing – by dozens of people during my lifetime, some known to me, some strangers, all men...

...I don't hate men. It would, however, be fair to say that I don't easily trust them.

My mistrust is not, as one might expect, primarily a result of the violent acts done on my body, nor the vicious humiliations done to my dignity. It is, instead, born of the multitude of mundane betrayals that mark my every relationship with a man: the casual rape joke, the use of a female slur, the careless demonising of the feminine in everyday conversation, the accusations of overreaction, the eye rolling and exasperated sighs in response to polite requests to please not use misogynist epithets...

...This, then, is the terrible bargain we have regretfully struck: Men are allowed the easy comfort of their unexamined privilege, but my regard will always be shot through with a steely, anxious bolt of caution...

To miss the point that it's not about "men", but about individual and specific men with whom individual and specific women have individual and specific relationships, is to miss the point entirely. It's not about "misogyny", but about how misogyny functions in intimate and familiar relationships. In wanted relationships.

There are men who will read this post and think, huffily, dismissively, that a person of colour could write a post very much like this one about white people, about me. That's absolutely right. So could a lesbian, a gay man, a bisexual, an asexual. So could a trans or intersex person (which hardly makes a comprehensive list). I'm OK with that. I don't feel hated. I feel mistrusted – and I understand it. I respect it. It means, for me, I must be vigilant and make myself trustworthy. Every day....I hope those men will hear me when I say, again, I do not hate you. I mistrust you. You can tell yourselves that's a problem with me, some inherent flaw, some evidence that I am fucked up and broken and weird. You can choose to believe that the women in your lives are nothing like me.

Or you can be vigilant and make yourselves trustworthy. Every day.

Just in case they're more like me than you think.

C and I are increasingly considering eloping. I really just want to plan the honeymoon (TRAVEL!!) and I would rather pay off a travel debt with lots of amazing memories than some stupid party that's stressing me out and making my life more difficult to plan. We would invite our parents, siblings, best friends to the destination ceremony, and that's it.

But it could go either way.

Destination weddings are still expensive and I've got 2 poor, mentally ill parents and a brother who just had his firstborn to consider. Maybe travel to a third world country wouldn't be feesable.

It's the reception details on the traditional wedding that screw you up - the ceremony bits are pretty simple. Maybe we will have the wedding here, as planned, and just have some sort of laid back reception at a pub when we are back from our awesome honeymoon! 

I'm trying to keep focused on what matters most to us.

I feel burn-out coming on.

Time to drop everything I possibly can or delegate it before I go under.

On Saturday, I'm attending a big UNICEF fundraising event with two other board members. It's a pretty swanky affair, I expect. Some of the best chefs from around the world are cooking for the fundraiser and the tickets are expensive.

What will I wear? I hope I represent my organization well. I hope I can make some good, natural contacts. I hope I'm better at this than I was last year. Being around rich people makes me nervous. Being at fancy dinners still makes me nervous. I hope I have the courage to be awesome at this. It's important for my professional and personal development. It's important to the board if we make any contacts. It's important to uphold the good partnership with UNICEF. Then, there's the whole "big expensive events are counter-intuitive to fundraising for poverty" thought.

I will also be representing UNA-Canada next week at our big (but relatively inexpensive) annual event and AGAIN that weekend at a smaller community-style event.

Oh, and I'm also facilitating a workshop at work on Oct 26. AUGH. I'm good enough at it and I know I will be fine, I'm just always nervous....

Lots of elbow-rubbing, networking, public speaking, representing in the next little while. Wish me luck!
 

My brother and his wife welcomed a baby boy into the world on Monday. I'm an auntie for the first time! I have yet to meet the baby, but I'm hoping I can do so before the weekend. I've seen only a picture so far and I wish I didn't have to work my other job this week so I could make arrangements to meet him. I really love the name they chose.

It's strange how different this birth is to me. For most people, I think nothing of it. "You reproduced, good for you.  It's not a miracle," is usually my (internal) response to baby news. But this one is a bit different. I feel more emotional about it and less objective, as I probably should. This birth directly impacts my life. My relationship with my brother and SIL is forever changed as of Monday. I can only hope that I can still find a way to spend time with them.

First, the idea of my own coming marriage freaked me out. Now, my brother had his first child. I feel like I'm growing up...but more like I'm being pushed from behind by a surging crowd into mature adulthood, rather than jumping in willingly with both feet... Thoughts about weddings and buying homes and being an auntie... It's so strange. It makes me anxious for some reason.

Life happens so quickly.

You Can Be Deeply Passionate Sometimes

You are a loner, and you're fine with that. You find the most fulfillment in solitude. And you never feel more lonely than when you're in a crowd. You fall in love with ease and confidence. Even if you've had bad experiences in the past, each new love is a reason to start completely over. You are deeply passionate about several things in your life. You're not passionate about much... and the few passions you have are truly obsessions. Your sense of humor is very physical. Your facial expressions or spot on imitations of people are hilarious.

Worked last night. C cooked me a meal and did laundry while I showered and got ready for bed at 1am (I love him). Hard to get out of bed this morning, but the weather wasn't as chilly today. Ate delicious crepes. Got some promising headway on finding office space for my board.

I feel tired, but grateful today.

A tricky thing, priorities. Right now, I get the sense that mine have changed and I'm having a little trouble accepting it.

No more spontaneous going out for drinks with friends. No more spending. No more overbooking myself. No more saying "yes" to every opportunity that arises. No more giving in. No more people-pleasing. No more acquaintances.

It's been hard to commit to social events when my p/t job schedule changes weekly.  Parting with an active social life will be hard. I had to bail on coffee with a friend this weekend so I could catch up on laundry. The intention was also to go to bed early and recharge for the madness of this week, but that didn't happen either. There was too much housework to do, so C and I buckled down and did it. When there are only so many hours in the day, I have to use them responsibly. I don't like it much.

I haven't been dancing in so long, I don't remember the last time I went. I'm often too tired to go when I do end up having the time. I hate it. Dance brings me so much joy and losing it is like losing a very dear friend. But then I suppose if it's important enough, I will find a way.

C has warned me that I may lose some friends along the way this year while I'm working crazy hours. He's been doing this schedule a while now and I know what his life is like. I don't like that idea for myself, of course....but if they ditch me, then they weren't friends anyway. I guess networking will fall to the wayside this year. I will find out who really cares about me.

I don't want my Board work to suffer, but I also need to re-assess how much work I'm doing and how much I SHOULD be doing. This is important to my career and I'm still growing in this organization. There's a lot I want to do, but I have to be realistic. I have to respectfully do my share and ask for help.

In times like this, it's easy to imagine putting all my stuff in storage and just disappearing into some other country for a while. Ahhh, escapism. I will also have to accept that I can't go anywhere until next year for the honeymoon (place still TBA), which I'm praying will happen. I have an offer to go to Jordan with a friend and we're thinking about saving up. I should probably just say no to the trip and let my heart break over it now rather than later, when I finally accept that I can't go.

Money doesn't buy happiness, huh? It would buy mine right now.

**EDIT: I just realized how much entitlement is in the underbelly of this post - and my feelings.  Self evaluation time. How much of this is actually necessary?

It's officially winter over here. We got a few more inches of snow last night and the roads are all a mess. Most of the staff were late or are still trying to get here.  I knew I should have pulled out the heavy winter gear this weekend. It's about -10C, blowing snow, with a wind chill factor of -15C. And this is only the beginning. It gets much worse, we're just not accustomed to it yet.

The season is here for standing in the blowing wind waiting for the bus, ice crystals stinging your cheeks. Time for carrying an extra pair of socks, an extra sweater and a package of facial tissues everywhere you go. Time for careless winter hair, because it would be a waste of time to fuss with it only to put a toque on it. Time for the consumption of many, many coffees - for the warmth, the comfort or simply to give you enough energy to get home.

If you live in a temperate place, be thankful today. Send me some warm thoughts!

I went out with a couple of girlfriends last night to try Ethiopian food for the first time. We were all looking forward to it, despite the FREEZING icy wind and blowing snow (yeah, I know). 

We actually went to a district in town where there was more than one Ethipian restaurant and sort of ended up in the abandoned-looking one. It's definitely rougher around the edges, but we sat down anyway and the owner served us everything. He explained what everything was (I assume because people ask without trying first) and was really accomodating. We were the only ones there, mind you, but it was what made it fun. I enjoy how small business owners make you feel more comfortable and special. I've decided that any culture whose tradition is to eat things with bread -AND eat things with your hands- is brilliant. It was very yummy!

Of course, we talked about all sorts of interesting topics, which I'm sure was of interest to the owner and his friend. H and K are the type of people you end up discussing EVERYTHING with and you don't have to be uptight about it. Culture, race, linguistics, sex, etc... Near the end of the night, I was explaining to my friends about the Rastafari religion and its roots in Ethiopia, much to the owner's delight. I thought his enthusiasm and complete surprise was cute. :) I guess they don't have too many people in there who know anything about his home country and/or chosen religion. Anyway, the night was great and I plan to go back.

Delish!

We are reconfiguring some of the positions on the Board and some members are leaving next year. We're doing some succession planning right now and I am struggling with how I am going to approach this.

( Still figuring it out... )
Is this the best decision for the board, though? Or am I being too selfish?

Today wins the awkward conversation award of the year:

( Ugh. )

I'm learning to appreciate different kinds of intelligence and definitely I have C to thank for it. He's not what you would call "book-smart" and I thought of that as a flaw at one point, I admit. He appears to be your typical farm boy, I suppose. He enjoys fixing things. I never really considered how intelligent one has to be to do the things he does. Now that I see how his mind works, though, I couldn't be more in awe.

His mechanic books stump me. He can explain such a complex system and all of its working parts to me (and routinely does) like it's nothing. One look at some of his wiring workbooks for his apprenticeship schooling stumps me - and I thought I had a mind for science... It just goes to prove that you can't judge someone's intelligence by their interests...who knows what vault of wisdom they might have lingering in there. I think I'm a fairly intelligent person, but seeing his brain work around problems is downright amazing.

He's SO GOOD at what he does. He got another 90% on a test this morning (I know because he texted me). I'm so proud of him.

Speaking of how women experience oppression:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2Qpi-fW6jA
 

My last post was a release of sorts about a form of oppression that I experience as a woman. I have privilege in a lot of other areas, but classism and sexism are the two things I experience every day. They might be in little ways, probably including things that I just attribute to life and not to oppression. You might not experience them or you may not even be aware of them.

I don't want someone to tell me that I don't really get sexually harrassed. Or that I shouldn't care. Or that I should get over it. You weren't there. I was. It happens frequently. So many times that I wouldn't know where to even begin to count. Don't be yet one more person to silence me. We should be so far past this.

As someone else put it more eloquently, it is too painful to constantly consider all of the ways we are each oppressed. It's impossible to do the right thing all the time. It's impossible to speak up every time something unfair or horrible happens to you because you are oppressed. We would never feel joy if we did that, and what a waste of life that would be.

I guess this post is prompted by the discussions I've had lately, as well as recent posts by others in their LJs (more than one on my flist, currently) and one very recent moment where I experienced how intense the pain of being oppressed really is. I felt shame, anger, helplessness, despair, numbness, worthlessness and finally, apathy when I couldn't process it all any more. I wish I didn't have to feel like that because of something I can't change. It is my wish that no one has to feel that way in life. We can all have dreams, right?

But, that's human nature. It's our reality, whether we like it or not. We can choose to pretend to ignore it completely and coast by (less pain caused to you, after all) or we can learn, accept the sordid reality of it, and fight when we have enough strength. It's far more work and it takes a toll, but at least I have the small comfort that I'm at least TRYING to contribute to the solution. I'm doing something.

To echo countless others, please do me (and yourself) this favour:

When someone confesses their feelings about their own experience with oppression with you, just listen. If you want to argue, ask yourself why and then keep it to yourself unless you're asked to share your opinion. It's not about you - it's about the other person's personal experience. You can't change how they feel or what happened, but you can try to understand it and why it happened.  Any time you're temped to think something isn't "a big deal", chances are that it is and you are just too privileged to understand it. Make some kind of effort.

C and I had a zombie-fest by accident last night. We watched Shawn of the Dead and then went out to see Zombieland. Very entertaining!
 
Me: *sincere & thoughtful* Honey, if you got bitten by a zombie, I'd shoot you.
C: *loving* I'd shoot you too. I'd tell you I loved you then I'd blow your brains out.
Me: I love you.
C: *grin* I love you too.

Hahaha, I enjoy how no-nonsense we are. :D